Lyrics:
Is it too late to pull myself out of this tide?
And try to find a reason to stay alive. Because everything I hold onto is weighted in time. So giving up has had the same effect as trying. So I'll take the last anti-depressant that I have left, with a bottle of whatever washes away the past. In hopes that I can finally start to feel again. Or at least, be able to forget. And I know I should be grateful, Because relatively I am blessed. But that doesn't mean that I'm immune to drowning in this loneliness. And the more we spin around, the more hopeless I become. Feeling like I don't mean anything to anyone. Because I spent my youth wishing I would die. But I know that when I'm older I'll wish for more time. I've learned to live peacefully inside a clouded mind. But I'm not convinced I make things better by being alive. I know that when I'm older I'll wish for more time. We're sinking in currents, each revolution declines. I know that when I'm older I'll wish for a way, to bring back the nervousness, worry, and anxiety. I'd rather be unsure, than to know.
In Depth: This song stemmed from two phrases I wrote working on the previous songs on the EP but couldn't quite fit into other songs. Lyrically, this was the last song I wrote on the EP and had "I'll take the last antidepressant that I have left with a bottle of whatever washes away the past," and "I spent my youth wishing I would die, but I know that when I'm older I'll wish for more time," as two lines I knew had to make the EP. There is a lot of duality in this song, my outlook on life being young, and now that I'm older, wanted to forget and wanting to feel, feeling blessed and feeling worthless. The song ends with the line "I'd rather be unsure than to know" because I concluded that all that feeling of being anxious when I was younger wondering what my life would unfold to be like and being uncertain and still trying to find your way, is often better than just knowing what your life will be like on a day-to-day basis and having all that wonder just dissipate overtime. I regret not embracing those uncertainties while I was younger. As an adult I struggle with anxiety so it felt conflicting writing that I want to bring back the feelings of nervousness, worry, and anxiety but I feel like as an artist and person sometimes those feelings can push you forward, and I'd rather feel these types of emotions than be comfortable with no desire to keep developing as a person. At its core this song is about depression and trying to manage feeling hopeless in different ways. This song in particular is a really emotional song to perform, and I had second-thoughts while writing it. I don't want it to be an overtly depressing song, because in the end I thought I found a way to put a different spotlight on depression. Maybe being unsure sometimes is a beautiful thing. Worrying about your future, being anxious about life, how people see you, how you'll push past through difficult events in your life. Maybe being unsure is completely fine, being a story still being told is completely fine, and that's how I conclude the song. I'm glad I didn't brighten up the lyrics or remove mentioning alcohol or antidepressants or feelings of self-loathing because I feel like the more open I am the more the lyrics mean. I know this song has become somewhat of a band favorite and people have given me positive feedback on the lyrics which is amazing to hear and I'm glad I could help people connect to and deal with a topic that has affected my life.
I still feel conflicted performing this song, its honestly difficult at times because sometimes the words cut through more than normal. Especially the line "Feeling like I don't mean anything to anyone." Just hits me differently every time I scream that out-loud. I still struggle with these thoughts and this song to me is so raw and I may have "learned to live peacefully inside a clouded mind," but the feelings are still there and prevalent and I just hope I can continue to develop and learn as a person and be there for people trying to do the same.
